I waited for her to tell me off for smoking – I only stopped because she’d told me to, had begged me to. She didn’t. Instead she sat beside me and looked out over the view but I knew she wasn’t seeing it any more than I was. Her voice was low and calm. ‘Of course I knew. If I had ever, ever had a woman lover it would have been you. I even thought about it, like you think about things that you know you simply can't do. I knew you wanted me. But you never made a move because you knew too that I couldn’t and that it would have hurt us both too much.’ She was right. ‘I knew you’d always be my closest friend because you love me and I love you. But we both knew it could never be physical. We never needed to say it, we knew.’ I nodded slowly. ‘I’m so sorry.’ ‘You don’t need to be.’ She stood up. ‘Have another cigarette and come back when you’re ready, OK?’ She leaned down to look closely into my eyes and I nodded again. ‘Silly cow.’ I smiled a wan smile to myself as she walked away. I had. So it made sense that he picked me, but I didn’t like it anyway. I walked up slowly as if to my death. He held out a notebook, which I grabbed from him, our fingers brushing for a second. I could feel the warmth of his hand, even though it was only a few seconds. ‘Thanks,’ he said, trying to continue to teach. I rubbed my hand for a second, but went and started writing on the board. He took notes by hand, so I had some trouble making out the words. After a few minutes of hearing him get more and more frustrated with the unresponsive class, he finally just told them to read the intro chapter themselves. Once all the books were open the room was quiet. Finally, after a minute of trying to decipher a sentence, I turned around. ‘Uh, Mr. Birnbaum? Can you tell me what this says?’ He looked up from some paper he was reading with an embarrassed smile. ‘Yeah sorry about that, I don’t really have the neatest handwriting.’ He walked over standing next to me. ‘Which part?’ He asked. Now.
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