What I remember most about her are her eyes. Huge, dark, wide open, unblinking, they looked at me, her huge dark eyes looked into mine, and I looked back at her, my whole body as immobile as she was, for the whole time that my father and I stayed with the Bey, or so it seems to me in my memory.Even then I understood that the Bey had made her a token not so much of his power, but of his spiritual sublimity, his elevation above the profanities of common human needs — he could afford, without missing something, without thinking twice, on a whim, to take away such a beautiful girl’s hands, mouth and vagina, to take away all her uses, to have his acceptance of her uselessness displayed. Only later did I understand that her suffering was her use for him. But even then, on this first visit, as our eyes locked, young as I was, I felt a strange stirring between my legs. I saw her only one more time, a few weeks later. I noticed the differences. She was still beautiful, but she had lost weight. Inthe corset it was impossible to slouch, resulting in an apparentlyproud, thrust-out bosom. Mom handed me a package of seamed black stockings. With difficulty, Iworked them up my legs and I noticed they felt different from any I hadpreviously worn. As she helped me straighten my seams, she explainedthat they were real silk. How luxurious they felt, but they had nostretch and forced my legs into an even more feminine shape! I tucked my male equipment away, wiggled into a pair of black boy-legpanties (we giggled over this) and stepped into my new heels. I walkedover to the mirror. I looked like a pinup! I asked my mother why she had dressed me in such provocative undies whenthe last thing I wanted to do was attract men? She replied that shewanted to reward my girlishness by treating me to sexy underwear. While she got herself ready I slipped on my new chemise and felt alittle more modest. The hem barely covered my stocking tops and the biascut suspended the entire front from my.
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