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Mary wanted to be the Governor’s wife, or at least a State Senator’s wife. I rolled over on my back and thought about how it all began. After three years I was fresh out of the Army in 1969. Luckily, I didn’t end up in Viet Nam, I was sent to Korea instead. Not that I wouldn’t have gone to Nam, but I just wanted to live a bit longer. My Army job was a surveyor for the artillery. That sounded pretty safe to me, but at graduation from Survey School (I finished 2nd in my class) I was given a pay raise and promoted. They told me I would be installing the Forward Observer’s positions. I was really proud of the honor and the promotion, until I had that ‘Oh Shit’ moment. The Forward Observer sat on the front lines and rained ‘Hell Fire’ on the enemy. My job would be to survey in the map coordinates of his spot, so that Fire Direction Control knew his location and could plot the artillery fire from his radio calls. In other words, my new job would put me right on the front lines. So as you. And the Lord God grimaced and an enchanted gust of wind blew forth from him. And the Fart blew the waters of the earth together unto one place, leaving dry land for God to rest his beer on. (Incidentally, a less well known consequence of this holy hurricane was that it caused Lucifer, God's favorite angel, to quit his post as God's errand boy, and flee as far from Heaven as possible.)And God said, Let the Earth bring forth trees bearing fruit, plants bearing pollen, and other green life. And the Lord God sneezed and saw that, hayfever excluded, it was pretty damn good for a first try. And God said, in a hoarse beer-befuddled slur, the trees and plants are catchy, but they are not quite enough. I'll make some animals; some who can eat the plants, and others who can eat the first group, and all can urinate on the trees and plants. And he saw that it was all rather asinine, but who cares? After all, he was God, wasn't he? What is omnipotence good for if the almighty can't enjoy a few.
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