It’s a different kind of sacrifice for them than it is for us…it’s certainly not much of one for him! Just please…be patient, and don’t get upset. We’ll tell them together.’ I shake my head. ‘I’m not calling a stop.’ But I feel the need to add, ‘Melody would understand.’ Katheryn pats my shoulder. ‘She’d want to. But this is hard for her, too, and in a way that no man can understand. She’s laid it all on the line. And she’ll see this panic as a forewarning of rejection.’ ‘I never would.’ ‘then don’t tell me,’ she sits up straight, wincing at the pain. ‘tell her. Make sure she knows how you feel. And,’ she pats me again, ‘if you do decide that you can’t go through with it, then please don’t force it…not for me, or for Adam, or anyone. We’ll all be okay.’ ‘I’m alright.’ I raise my voice, annoyed at the kid gloves. ‘I’m alright! It’s okay!’ But even as I say it the nausea starts up again. I fake a smile and try to act bored, or disaffected, while the world churns around me. She nods in. My sexuality in constant bloom, you come to my garden and really appreciate the hard work I’ve put into being a woman. So many boots have tread through, tearing up my heart and dragging mud through my house. For once, I would love to be kissed with passion when joined by my partner. I would love to hear the words ‘I want you to feel good.’ And what of these men who pass into the background noise of my head? Do they only wait for me to be weak and vulnerable? I care deeply and I deny not my love for the men I’ve shared my heart with. Mom taught me sex without love is a degradation of one’s soul. Mom, I really tried to love them all, but they couldn’t handle my wild heart. So if it’s just been sex, and all my unselfish gestures go to waste eventually, where do I turn now? It’s always been about him. Whether it was this ‘him’, or that ‘him’, didn’t really matter. I’ve poured myself into making it ‘work’ over and over only accomplishing to tear a hole in some guy’s heart and leave myself.
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