I shifted my awareness towards the source of that pull, and stepped, without moving away from my existence.How do I describe what just happened? As a boy, just becoming a young man, its perhaps understandable that my mind can only think of something from my boyish past to use in making an analogy. In the movie Willie Wonka, one scene involves a ride in the Wonkamobile, at the end of which they get clean in the "hsawaknow", which as Willy Wonka explains, is Wonkawash spelled backwards. Only I went through something forwards, backwards, sideways and inside out all at the same time. There was a single moment in time when I felt, flat as a shadow, or smaller than an atom, or ... something. Even today I cannot find words to describe it. The apprehension I felt inside my bubble of calm reminds me of something I read by D.H. Lawrence."Are you willing to be sponged out, erased, canceled, made nothing? Are you willing to be made nothing? Dipped into oblivion?"When my consciousness was once. There I said it. I was fond of her sure and comfortable with our relationship. She brightened my days and left me in a perpetual oscillation between lust for her body and complete sexual satisfaction. Having Doris in my bed meant no room for any other woman. I know men will tell you that they never see a pretty girl without wondering what she is like in bed. Doris left me unable even to fantasize about another woman. My mind went from the sight of the other woman to an image of Doris that left me fighting back an erection. But marry her and be locked in for the rest of my life to the responsibility for others?I tried every excuse I could think of to keep Doris and avoid matrimony. My principle excuse was that she was too young only eighteen whereas I was twenty- five in July. It was an excellent reason if not quite the real one, but my mother of all people shot it down."Doris is very mature for her age whereas you are the opposite besides that I was a nursing student and only.
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