Of course, that won't be hard, considering I'm not seeing anyone." She laughed again, softly. I noticed how much her laughter was like singing, like a beautiful song. "I have to think about all of this," I said, "although, when you're 32 and I'm 24 and we're not married, I can't think think of a more desireable woman to spend my life with." She took one of her hands off of mine and wiped the wetness from my face, the leftover tears of guilt over desiring someone I felt a need to protect. I realized in that moment that she was right, there was nothing wrong with desiring the person you need to protect, especially in this case. The guilt fell away from me with every pass of her thumb across my cheek. Then she did something that I'd never let myself dream about before. Although in the back of my mind, maybe in the fleeting thoughts I had in the twighlight just before falling to sleep, the things that you don't remember you even thought the next day, maybe I'd dreamed about it during. I'd dealt with the boredom, the prude attitude, the stuffy behavior, the lack of sex, and more than anything, being frustrated because I felt like I had no life and was growing old quickly and heading towards and early death. Walking in the front door of the new little house I had bought, I was walking into a new life. I was walking into a brand new day. I was changing a life I'd established over a long period of time. And I never knew how much different it would turn out to be. At first, I was disappointed, let down, depressed, and fighting a lot of shit in my head. I was angry, knowing I'd put up with a bunch of bullshit from a wife with a shitty attitude, always accusing me of things I wasn't doing, always treating my friends like shit, and more than anything, I'd go to bed alone in another room, pissed off that for another day, weeks and sometimes months in a row, no sex, nothing worth talking about, and I knew I'd wake up in the morning angry again, upset, and wishing I'd change.
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