Now when I say we didn’t live together I don’t me that we didn’t spend a lot of nights together. I often stayed over at her apartment but more often Kate spent nights at mine. My apartment was just more convenient for us and gave us more privacy. It was Tuesday evening and like I said earlier it was less than three weeks before our wedding and I had just arrived at Kate’s apartment to pick her up and take her out to her parent’s house for another meeting about the wedding. Actually, I wasn’t a participating member of these meetings I was just told what to do and when to do it by Kate and her mother. Kate’s father and I usually ended up watching whatever sporting event was on ESPN while the two women plotted against me and spent his money. When I arrived at Kate’s apartment Tracy let me in and I headed back to Kate’s room. As I approached her door I heard her on the phone with Sherry, a friend of Kate’s and one of her bridesmaids for our wedding. Sherry is one of those individuals. My friend who has walked through this entire mess with me said to me: “I know why God’s ignoring you.”Me:”Why, other than the fact I’m an asshole?”Friend: “You killed God. You’ve spent your entire life searching for wisdom. You’ve studied religion, magick, psychology, all of it. You killed your belief in god long before you ever got sick. When you faced that darkness you knew you were the only one there and that you couldn’t answer your own prayer.”Me: “Wait a minute, You’re saying I’m mad at myself?”Friend: “Yes.”I felt the truth of his words and it was like he had run me through with a sword. I was speechless. It took me a couple of days to process what he had told me. He was in fact, correct. In my heart, I had killed God. Nobody is home or on the throne.It’s a liberating, yet lonely thought. All my life, I have been told of a loving Father which is an image I clung to as I never had one. The Christian faith is burned deep into my soul/mind and even though I have no “faith” I.
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