Years of neglect from Tom had made me forget that I am a sexual being. I wish Tom would make me feel like that again, I wish he would make love to me like he used to do all those years ago but I can’t even bear him being near me. Maybe it’s because of everything he’s put me through. I listened in on them skyping a couple of weeks ago, he was in the lounge with the doors closed but I could hear clearly enough. It was as if he wanted me to overhear. I heard the things he said to her and i felt something I didn’t expect to feel. Pangs of jealousy. I imagined it was me he was saying those things to and felt myself getting aroused. I went upstairs and I undressed. I’m self conscious about my body. Especially since having Katy. My stomach never went back to the way it was, it’s covered in silvery stretch marks and has lost its washboard appearance. My breasts are sagged and my nipples are large and dark, and my legs have varicose veins also from pregnancy. I always had to have the light. Not me, but Bec and Dad and sometimes Dan. They look at somebody and seem to just know they need help. Then they go up to whoever it is and they do this horse-whispering type of thing and soon enough they’re looking after the person and making them feel better. I don’t do it. I suck at doing stuff like that. Bec did it with that girl at the Y on Thanksgiving morning. She saw that girl come in the door of the Y and immediately started looking after her. By the end of the morning, Bec had pulled the girl out of her shell and got her connected back with her family and everything. I admire Bec when she does stuff like that. I don’t know how she knows what’s needed. She just does. Dad does it too. And sometimes Dan but not so much. But me, I mostly sit there and then afterwards I think maybe I should have done something or said something.This Mischa girl looked like someone that one of them would do something about. I wondered who was going to do something. Maybe it would be Dad since Bec.
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