I sit up, dangling my legs over the side of the bed, andrealise I'm still playing with the damned belt. Still turning it aroundand around, doubling it this way then that, listening to a voice - hisvoice - remind me with a smile to not use the buckle end. I smile tomyself, still feeling a bit silly about that after all this time, but I promiseit made sense at the time . . . that, and it felt good. Even now I can remember sitting on the edge of a differentbed, in a different town years ago with this same belt, arguing with myself. What person in their right mind would whip themselves on the mere say-soof another person? There must be something wrong with me, I thought, onlyto correct myself the next moment: maybe there's something right with me andthis is merely a test, a tool to discover that something. The debate withinme raged for what seemed like hours, the taboos I'd been taught to hold sacredby society warring with the reality I was experiencing. In the end, I stood up,. I looked it up and down. "I've always liked this one on you."She was standing with her hands on her hips, smiling. The surest way tomaking her smile was to compliment her. "Thank you, Mary. You wouldn'tmind freshening it up for me before seven, would you?" I'll make time for it. I suspect your Mother will have her own clothesto sort out too." And let's not forget our lady visitor." And our lady visitor, naturally." You better go and ready Mother's breakfast. I'll be down in fiveminutes. Thank you again Mary."I used my free hand to lift my skirts into a small curtsey, stepped outof Elizabeth's bedroom, and softly closed the door. She was right aboutMrs. Cooper's breakfast. I knew it would be unfortunate to delay hermorning meal on a day she was expecting visitors. She was prone toanxious anticipation when respectable guests were due. She relied on meto sort things out, and anything that would make her think twice about myreliability would only upset her. Nevertheless, there was the.
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