AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.MARTHA STEWART: No one. )In addition to the public's protests and demands for the removal of mybillboard-size portrait of Amanda, which, my lawyers assure me, I cantie up in court for at least a year, I've had the pleasure of hearingfrom Amanda herself. In teary (and unanswered) appeals left on my cellphone, she threatens, demands, begs, and cajoles, beseeching me to"please take down that monstrosity." She is (or was) closeted, afterall, her transsexual status known only to me and a handful of her mostintimate friends (including, I believe, as I listen, repeatedly, to herdemands and entreaties, the man with whom she's been having an affairwhile I was cheating on my wife with her); Amanda had harbored nointention of ever letting others--her pastor, the members of herchurch's congregation, her colleagues, her business clients, herfriends, or even her family--know that she's a transsexual who's optedto keep her male genitals.I'm tempted to call her so I can tell her that I have absolutely nointention.
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