I thought we could use the same recruitment technique, just tell the women how safe it was to continue and then just pay them. I thought enough of them would be thrilled to have their fantasy played out, and be paid for it as well, to keep us operating. But that was a problem for later. I wanted no management responsibilities for a while. Later who knew I might try to clean it up.I was satisfied that I had a believable tale to tell. For now I was more than content to be one of the actresses. So I decided to put Mary Ellen's thing out of my mind for the time being. I did wonder, how many of the other women had come to the conclusion. That if offered the chance, they would still take part in the movies. I certainly wouldn't call it acting.When I went to bed that night, I was exhausted from scheming. I masturbated to relax and then fell sound asleep. It always worked. Sometimes the orgasm, self induced, was the only way to shut down my racing mind.Since I was working the 3 to 11PM. .. I was done. I kept trying to get better and I hung around longer than I should have. So ... I didn’t acknowledge that I knew Liz or remembered her or anything. Then Susan said she heard one of her songs and ... I decided that I was really happy for her. Then Thompson got shitty with me and ... here we are.”“Wow!” Jill said. “I didn’t know the backstory, I guess. I didn’t know there was resentment toward her.”“Not just her,” I corrected. “It was pretty much everybody. I felt like a failure ... like I’d let a lot of people down. I didn’t have many friends at San Diego State. I lived off campus. I was older than most of them. I carried my bitterness over until ... very recently. I think Liz has helped me a lot. I’m not ... afraid ... to be honest. I can admit I’m scared. I can tell my friends and my mother how much they mean to me.“I’ve always been standoffish around others. I don’t mean just strangers. I’ve been that way with people I’ve known well. I always kept them on the.
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