“Nationality?” asks the immigration officer.“German,” she replies.“Occupation?”“No, just here for a few days.”As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer’s funeral, a voice from insidescreams: “I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!”The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters, “Too late, mate, the paperwork’s already done.”I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.Or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.So I thought - sod it, I’ll soldier on.I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!I panicked. I didn’t know what to do.Then I remembered the local cafe serves breakfast until 11.30.Got caught having a pee in the local. . Damien. I’m sorry that I dealt and put up with this crap for so long. Lewis, bullying the press doesn’t work like harassing and intimidating your staff does. My apologies, Damien. I thought that perhaps he would try a more sensible approach. Clearly, he hasn’t caught on that the Fourth Estate can still hold their own and still have jobs to do, even in Trump’s America. I sometimes wonder how Lewis passed his bar exam or even graduated law school. Did you bully the administration into that? Perhaps you’re in the wrong line of work, honey. The incoming Justice Department could probably use a man like you, who is into pushing people around.“As far as lawyers are concerned, get yourself one, because I’m so fucking done with this marriage! You have embarrassed me for the last time! In front of my ex-boyfriend, no less, too! Here, take back your damn wedding band, too! I want a divorce!” Lauren told her husband, right in front of Damien, much to the astonishment of both of them.Lewis.
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