That helps. The brave, confident, faithful, programmed part of me knows that whatever monsters are lurking in the shadows, we will emerge victorious. It’s comforting… for a moment. Unfortunately, the pragmatic, rational, intellectual part of me is pretty sure things are going to go the other way.The fear and sorrow palpably fill the room. There’s really nothing left to do. Nothing that I see, anyway. The bravado instilled by my most recent education is losing strength, but it’s fighting hard. I want an enemy to fight. Something I can punch in the face. Or shoot. Not that I’ve seen the slightest indication of an intentionally designed weapon in the last few days. I hadn’t noticed before, but I think that difference is actually one of the unnoticed qualities of this place that I find disorienting.That sound again. That snarling, unearthly clicking. It’s disgusting, and terrifying. My heart is in my throat… and my chest, shoulders and spine. He is about to collapse, I. “I don’t want you to kill me! Just let me die.”“Well, would you get on with it then? I’m tired of listening to you bellyache about it.”Doctors estimate that Renie (Lorene) and I have about four months left to live. I believe that is based on their investigation of our finances and savings. Once we hit four more months, we’ll be broke. That’s Big’s problem. He’s got enough money in his accounts to last him years, so they’ll keep him around until it’s gone. None of us will last twenty-four hours past our VISA credit limit.Honestly, I don’t think Renie will make the four months. She’s just not here most of the time—I mean in her head. Mentally, she’s already gone. I figure one morning soon they’ll come in and zip her into a bag to wheel her out of here. I’ll have a devil of a time keeping them from zipping me up, too. They never listen to you, even if you’re telling them you’re not dead.I went outside today. It’s a pretty day. About seventy-two degrees, sunny, not much wind. Kind of day.
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