It was 2:19 AM. I was still wearing a Rolex Oyster Perpetual. That wasn’t because the crew was honest. They’d gotten everything else of value. But the watch was jammed so far up my arm that nobody noticed it.I went from cabin to cabin knocking on doors. I was trying to project calm. The last thing I needed was panic among the passengers. When each of them answered, I told them to dress warmly and meet me between the cabins and the aft railing of the bridge deck. I could smell the fire burning forward.They were all quietly assembled, bundled up and carrying some hand luggage. I doled out the life vests and then I led them down the ladder from the bridge deck to the main deck.The passenger lifeboat looked like a dayglow orange turtle, with a little dome, for a head. The boat had a hatch and a boarding ladder. It was well over twenty feet long, and completely enclosed. It had one of those pump-jet systems with a ducted propeller acting as an impeller. You steered the thing by changing. Our home was disgusting. I lived in fear that Child Protective Services would somehow find out and take my beloved child from me. I cleaned as I could, but I could only do as much as my baby would allow. A load of laundry here, a sink of dishes there was all I could manage. Running the vacuum or scrubbing the toilet would have to wait. At some point in this madness, and possibly sensing no end to it, my husband told me at last that his love for me was gone entirely. That he was no longer attracted to me. That he felt resentful toward me. That I had changed too much. After a week of constant crying, of self harming for the first time in years, of sleeping on a palette of piled sheets and blankets in the nursery next to my baby’s crib, he came to me. He said he’d been wrong. He said he never meant a word, that he just needed to ‘get it out’. He had needed to see me hurting over him. We resumed. I began to put forth more effort. I truly believed that more effort on my part was really.
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