I didn’t mean to upset you.’ How could she be sorry for doing nothing? I sobbed again, one of those sobs that rack you like a child’s sobs do. My head fell forward and tears fell onto the pale blue of my dress. Why does water show so clearly on pale blue? I half pulled myself together and took another cigarette from Tippi’s pack and lit it. I waited for her to tell me off for smoking – I only stopped because she’d told me to, had begged me to. She didn’t. Instead she sat beside me and looked out over the view but I knew she wasn’t seeing it any more than I was. Her voice was low and calm. ‘Of course I knew. If I had ever, ever had a woman lover it would have been you. I even thought about it, like you think about things that you know you simply cant do. I knew you wanted me. But you never made a move because you knew too that I couldn’t and that it would have hurt us both too much.’ She was right. ‘I knew you’d always be my closest friend because you love me and I love you. But we. Nightmares of fires, of floods, of pain unimaginable. She woke up crying out for the man who had caused it all. She woke up fighting me. She woke up in the midst of a nightmare that you just don’t wake up from. I finally found the Valium in her medicine cabinet and forced her to take it. She refused it at first but that was all the fight she had in her. She threw up the first one. The second one stayed down. The third one did too. She fell into a dreamless sleep about the time the sun came up. So I did what she would have done, had you not dropped the bomb into the center of her life. I got her kids ready for their day and sent her son to the bus. Your son. He kissed his sleeping mother and was glad she was resting. He had no idea what had happened the night before. He had no idea the man he idolized had cut off all contact with him. He just knew his mother was sleeping like a baby and that was more than enough for a child his age. He was laughing when he got on the bus. Then,.
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