He still didn'tspeak, his breathing shallow.The book was full of pictures of men, footballers mostly. StevenGerrard featured prominently."I used to keep this under my bed, in an old shoe box," Matt muttered.I stayed silent. "In the old days. Before, you know, I came 'out' Iused to look at it. I'd wish I could be more like them."I smiled. I could remember having heroes as a kid. Although this wassomething more than heroes."Once Dad found it. Well you know how useless mum is at cleaning so Dadused to do it." I held Matt's hand as he started crying again. "Idon't know how he figured it out, but he told me it was OK if I was gayand that he would love me anyway." Matt put his head on my shoulder.I could feel the thin material of my t-shirt becoming damp almoststraight away. "Do you think it was bad that I didn't tell him thetruth? That I wanted to be like them. Do you think he would haveaccepted me?"I held him close. "Matt, I think John was a wonderful man. I knew himfor more. Naturally, I was careful. I always am, but I took double precautions. Triple. I spent weeks doing my research, checking that she no longer had any surveillance support, special alarms, anything extra. And she didn’t. That was the thing that drew her to me. She was so fucking determined to be normal again. Undamaged. I admired her, truly I did.Which is why I did what I did, when I did.Only a few days before I planned for us to meet up again, she started dating. Another sign of returning normality. I first spotted the guy when he joined her during our usual latte together outside the gym. We were each sat at our separate tables, her reading the paper, me flirting with the waitress. And suddenly this guy shows up. Nice enough looking, a sort of Travolta aged 30. But more like a younger, pulp fiction Travolta, not the Saturday Night Fever version. Anyway, there was something about the dude I didn’t like. Pissed me off, the way he sat down at her table and put his hand on hers. She didn’t.
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