‘I have to. Don’t you understand that by now?’ His voice was husky, full of emotion, even though he tried his hardest to hide it. You can’t hide love. ‘This is the best, for both of us, for everyone.’ ‘No.’ Her lips barely parted enough for the word to escape. It wasn’t really a plea for mercy, or a disagreement with his assumptions, it was simply an acknowledgement of the cruel nature of the world. ‘It won’t hurt.’ ‘I know. It’s just…’ ‘You’re scared?’ ‘Yes.’ The man sighed — it was heavy and shook his whole body. ‘Do you want to know my secret?’ He asked rhetorically, shifting the cold, black weight from hand to hand. ‘What I do on these dark nights, just before it happens…I look up and try to find a star. Doesn’t matter which one, I look and look and look until I find it.’ Her dark eyes were like pits, sunken into the pale folds of her face. She watched him intently. ‘I’ve been doing this for a long time — too goddamn long — and that is the only thing that helps. It doesn’t. My actions were one of a doctor who seeks to heal.Being a surgeon I try to help through surgery, and sometimes forget thatsurgery is not the only answer. The trans people I meet all want surgeryand I just wrongly assumed you were the same.You are a women, whatever path you take, and it tears my heart out tothink what I carelessly did to you. Please don't go. I want to help youalong your journey and to help you realise what wonderful person youare.If you go, just know I will always be here for you, to offer an ear, ahug or advice. It is a privilege to have known you.I have to work late today, and won't be back until nine. I won't call. Iwill leave you to make your own decision. If you go just turn off allthe lights. If you decide to stay, please turn the living room light upfull with the curtains open. I would just like to know if I'm walkinginto a house of warmth and love or empty shell.Before you decide, please turn on the radiogram. There is a message fromme to you ready to.
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