Or some head. Or some pussy and some head!She looked back towards the rear of the restaurant and said, “I don’t think so.”She got up, went to the cash register and returned with my bill. Discouraged, I sipped my coffee until the cup was empty.The lights suddenly dimmed. I looked at my watch. It was 10:00. I guessed they wanted to close. I went to the front and left a twenty on the counter for the food and the tip.I walked to the door; she accompanied me. She had the keys to lock up. I went out the door; she did too.“I could use some company tonight after all and I definitely need some excitement. I don’t want to be seen leaving with you though.”“Where is your car?” I asked.“Behind the restaurant.”“How about I drive to Walmart? I’ll park in the lot and wait for you there. You can come to the motel with me. In the morning, I’ll drive you back.”She nodded her approval and went inside.I had been waiting for about fifteen minutes at Walmart, getting more discouraged by the minute,. It drifts in and before it has a chance to form it disappears, elusively slipping between my fingers. I never seem to be able grasp it. It slides away, farther and farther, each time I try to reach for it. And then I wake up only to find I’m still trapped in this nightmare, a nightmare of a life with no joy, no happiness, no love, nothing but sadness for me. Each day I wake up. Each day I wonder. I wonder what it would have been like. To just have, the briefest of moments to be with you. To be a whole person again. To be a real person with a life again. To be what used to be me. I wonder about a life that can never be now. A life that, that by contrast, is so different than what I have now. I can not hope for this to be as I would like it. Doing so would mean not considering you and your situation. So instead I attempt to get through the day as best I can. I muddle through. I struggle to maintain my composure each and every minute of my day. A day that drags on and on and gets harder.
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