That's part of the problem right there. I didn't care.Shit. Jenny must be right. I am a closed book. So if that's the problem, the obvious solution is let myself open up. To get beyond the simple expedient of being 'the boyfriend' and allowing them to see the real me, which is terrifying to contemplate.Why was that such a scary thought? Fear of rejection? Well, I should be used to that by now. Except, I always took comfort in the idea that they weren't really rejecting me, because they didn't really know the 'real' me. They were rejecting my version of 'the boyfriend'.I was slowly realizing, that playing the boyfriend was a dead end, had always been a dead end, and if I ever wanted something like long-term happiness I'd have to be honest with them and myself. I'd have to learn how to be myself, which was a weird thought. I wonder if I could practice somehow. Maybe go out to bars and see what it felt like to 'be myself', I guess.Ugh.Not long after I found out about masturbation, and. I did willingly. She lifted my skirt up and then, i felt her spit on my ass and finger it hard. Then i felt some pressure on my hole ass she pushed the head of dick in. It hurt, but it felt so good. I moaned and she said you like that slut. I could only nod. She ducked me hard and then harder. She started jerking me off till i said im Cumming. She moved her hand to catch it. Then made me eat it. I licked it out of her hand then swallowed it. She kissed me and said now its your turn to make me cum. I took her dick off then her wet panties. Helped her up on the dryer. I kissed her thick soft thighs. Her beautiful chubby tummy all while fingering her then i put her legs up on my shoulder and licked her wet clit and fingered her wet hot tight pussy. I got a little juice but i kept licking and fingering till her legs stiffing and she unloaded down my throat. She climbed down and walked away. The the next day i got home from work and the same thing, shower put in slutty clothes and do.
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