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Soon , along the with smallteam of eight fellow workers, I was working through my list of phonecalls, emails and faxes and replying to the high priority ones. Aftersome phone calls in French, German and English and sometimes a mixture,to agents, hoteliers and suppliers, I was replying to an urgent emailfrom a tour operator in South Africa when I heard a loud beeping noise."What's that noise?" asked Jules, working at the desk next to mine."I don't know," I said, "it's very loud though." That's because it's coming from your jacket pocket, Steve" pointed outKathleen, sitting opposite me with her hand over the mouthpiece of herphone."Oops sorry," I said as I took the pager out of my pocket. I read themessage 'Time for a feed' in incomprehension for half a second. Therealisation crashed into my awareness. I stood up."Sorry I have to go and feed Bekka," I said over my shoulder walkingquickly to the lift."OK, see you later, probably lunchtime, Steve, we'll be in O'Learys,"said Jules to me. The alien looked like notoriously awful rapper Too $hort. “Mmmm…yeah…,” Dick Pound mused, “If you could go ahead and tell me who you are, that would be great…”“YEAH YEAH,” the alien responded in caps, “REAL PLAYAS UP IN HERE NOW. REPRASENT.”The alien’s response of some Too $hort lyrics confirmed Dick Pound’s suspicions – the alien was Too $hort, and spoke only in caps, much like the lyrics to the song “Yo Neck, Yo Back” must have been written. The beat stuck in his head – de do de do do de do de do de do de do do de do de. It was a shit beat.“YOU TALKIN SLL THAT SHIT ABOUT SUCKAZ LICKIN ON YA. ALL DOWN YO BACK UP YO CRACK. YOU TALKIN TO A REAL PLAYA NOW GURL. REAL. I DON’T GO FIRST.” Dick soon realised the alien spoke not only completely in caps, but largely only in Too $hort lyrics. Suddenly it all made sense – Too $hort had to be an alien. Only someone who had observed earth culture from the outside, but never lived it, could have composed songs and rhymes so terrible and yet still.
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