I said: ‘Still I find that I really wonder what my soul is trying to accomplish here.’ We discussed that for a while. At one point I went of on a bit of a tangent and suggested: ‘Maybe, in order to love Barbara at the level I was loving her I needed to express that love to everyone I loved. Of course this begs the question of why my higher self would limit it to those I had loved in a sexual context?’ We decided that this was part of it but not the whole picture. Our discussion as to why just those I loved sexually were included got rather wild. Something was wrong here. I raised a finger, saying wait. I paused, let my mind get really quiet and found that I had been sending love to many others without realizing it. The list went back to grade school and before, starting with a girl named Susan. Most of the new list received a much lower level of intensity. My ‘mystery girl’ remained a mystery. I returned to ordinary awareness and described what had just happened. We bounced around a. But part of me also realised that she was an old woman, and at 16 I should be out shagging girls my own age. I agonised over making the call to her for nearly 2 weeks until finally my carnal urges got the better of me. After all I wasn't getting any from my own age group. So I thought fuck it. Life's too short and I can always call time on it whenever I like. I would be in control.I started seeing Liz once a month and then it progressed to once a week. It was all very uncomplicated. I would appear at her house at a prearranged time and we would fuck like there was no tomorrow. She let me try out everything I'd read about in magazines and was totally uninhibited. We did oral, anal spanking, water sports, dressing up. She was a very willing sex partner and never asked anything from me in return except pleasure and satisfaction. I continued seeing her on and off for nearly 20 years. I never knew her real age until after she died and I read the death notice in the local paper. She was.
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