Turns me on.”“If you’re trying to improve the world, you should start with yourself. Nothing needs more help than you do.”“I could eat a whole bowl of alphabet soup, shit it out, and have something better than you just said.”“Shut up, I’m not your mirror.”“Behind every bitch there’s a man who made her that way!”“Ohh ... look who’s talking about themselves again!”“See ya and take care ... and by see ya I mean go fuck yourself and by take care I mean go fuck yourself.”“People say laughter is the best medicine. Your face must be curing the world.”“Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.”“You’re spreading rumours about me? At least you found a hobby spreading something other than your legs.”“The fact that jellyfish survived for 650 million years with no brains is good news for stupid people like you.”“Zombies are looking for brains. Don’t worry. You’re safe.”“Somewhere out there is a tree, tirelessly producing oxygen so you can. "Are you horny, Daddy?" she asked. Elizabeth clicked the pause button. She thought she was going to swoon. That was her baby saying that. Her sweet, innocent daughter. The first time Elizabeth heard her say it, she thought she'd misheard and had backed it up, repeated it over and over as the words sank into her brain."Are you horny, Daddy?"Elizabeth clutched at her stomach. She wanted to weep and pound her fists on the arms of her chair. She did neither. Instead she sat there mute, staring at her computer screen as her body trembled. She dropped her hands to her lap and clutched at her thighs, wishing her legs would stop shaking. Wishing the feeling in her stomach would go away. Wishing she wasn't so goddamned turned on.She whimpered as she admitted it to herself at last. The first time she'd watched the video it had shocked her. The images had burned their way into her memory and tortured her. She had said nothing to her husband or her daughter, and she had told herself.
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