"Girlfriends tell everything to each other." Oh." I didn't know that."Brianna told me and Alex all about your first time. My sister and I were wondering if Brianna was ever going to do it." I don't want to talk about it," I said. This conversation rekindled the ache in my heart and my longing for Brianna. I missed her so much."Brianna told us also that somehow you changed our dad." Alex told me that Brianna told you," I said."She did?" Yes on Friday." I just wanted to thank you too." You're welcome." You must be a real special guy if Brianna was willing to give her virginity to you." She doesn't think that way anymore." Well, her loss is someone else's gain. Right?" I guess," I said though there was no way I saw it that way."You're an okay guy, Sam." Thanks." If I treated you wrong in any way, I'm sorry." It's okay." I couldn't think of anyway Alyssa specifically treated me wrong."You're cute." Thanks."Alyssa seemed more attentive and I sensed something changed."I'm not seeing anyone. " I do like him, or at least the part of me that's important likes him.He's a good man and he has a good job, and his kids are great..." But what?" Mom asked.I shook my head and trimmed the ash from my cigarette. "I don't know,Mom. Its not something I can easily put into words." Or maybe you can, but you don't want to, because you're having someregrets."I got up from the bed and stopped in front of the mirror. It wasn't thatI didn't recognize the woman staring back at me. I looked just like theold Nancy with make-up with plus sized boobs and a shorter hair cut. Butit was what I didn't see that bothered me.It used to be that if I looked hard enough, I could see a boy in a dress,but now he was nowhere to be found. My family had had a funeral for himand according to my mother, everyone I had ever known as a boy had cometo see me off.Pain rose up into my throat and tears ran down my cheek as theconsequences of my actions worked to suffocate me. "Oh Geeze, Mom! Whathave I done?"I.
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