....What a fucked up life this is I thought.I had taken my laptop to the states and on it I had photographs of Amanda and I in happier times, some nights my heart would feel heavy at the loss, but I never let it show in my few emails to Amanda, I had been in the states about 5 months when I received a email from Susan saying how worried she was about Amanda it seemed she had lost a lot of weight and was in trouble keeping on top of her job so much so that she had been forced to take some leave to sort herself out. Susan begged me to be kinder to Amanda and ended her email by adding that she really believed that Amanda thought what she was doing was for both our benefits and begged me to call Amanda for a chat if I still cared about her to help her through her depression.That evening I sat down and composed a long email in which I explained all my feelings, the betrayal, the sickness in my stomach and how I hated her and myself for letting it happen, I reminded her how I had accepted. ” Once Chrissie is settled her hand rests on my thigh, Jenny’s hand comes to rest on my other thigh but a bit higher, I wonder if she is subconsciously guarding her property.I start to tune in on the talk around the table; it would seem that Charlie wants to know when she can start dancing, having seen Royal Liberty out yesterday with some very young dancers, she reckons it is ‘so not fair’ that she can’t join, and with the impeccable logic of youth, they are younger and smaller than me, so there. I join in, “I can see her point, Pretty Grim have their Grimlets, Royal Lib mix seven year olds with adults, if we lose them at nine, how can we get them back when they are teenagers when there are so many other temptations for their time, if we can get them, even at seven like Royal Lib it is a lot easier to keep them, and if we can start them on music or singing as well, that boosts their confidence, and it will help their general development. The more we expose children to different.
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