Ich habe mein Leben veraendert. Heute ist es mir unerklaerlich, wie ich damals den Mut dafuer habe aufbringen koennen. Meine Therapeutin sagte mal, mein innerer Schmerz waere zu jener Zeit so gross gewesen, dass ich dadurch die Angst vor diesem zu erwartenden koerperlichen Schmerz nicht mehr als beaengstigend empfunden haette. Mag schon sein.Meine "Selbstbehandlung" ging uebrigens fast schief. Aber, waere sie schief gegangen, waere sie eigentlich auch gut verlaufen. Mir ist erzaehlt worden, dass ich nach der Pause gefehlt haette, mein damaliger Lehrer Herr Bauhofer nach mir hat suchen lassen, und dass ich nur ganz durch Zufall von einer Drittklaesslerin, die eine grosse Karte aus dem Kartenraum mit ihrer Lehrerin zusammen geholt hatte, entdeckt worden war. (Na also, doch gut, wenn man manchmal waehrend der Unterrichtsstunden auf's Klo muss :-).)Ich weiss noch, erst war es nur ein ganz heisses Gefuehl und das Blut spritzte. Dann spuelte ich das nah am Koerper abgeschnittene Ding im. Worse, even the one or two times it seemed to border onthat kind of situation arising, no one actually brought up makeovers.Turns out, girls only suggested that kind of thing when boys weren'tthere.This is all just to say that I just wanted a makeover, and had no ideahow to go about getting one in any way that wouldn't out me as a freak.The next great idea: bets.How hard could it be? I'd just make a bit with a girl or a guy and thepenalty for my losing would be that they can do my makeup! Drop a doubleor nothing for a dress and we're in business.There were two problems that emerged from this. First, I had troublecoming up with an opposite side of the bet that was any good andsomething I genuinely wanted, and second, I always had to be the one tosuggest my own eventual punishment. There's not much bite in, "Hey wellif I win...uh... idk you have to do something for me, but if you win I'lldress up as a girl." That sure sounds like a boy who wants to lose, andthat was my first awful.
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