That just made it more fun!A hundred years ago, or so, one of his wives had asked him to grow a mustache and Van Dyke style beard. His other wives had liked the idea—it added a new sensation to oral sex! Everybody had gotten used to seeing the beard and mustache, so all he had to do for a disguise was to shave it off. He could wear theatrical makeup for his public appearances, so most people would never catch on.Since Doug was impervious to any sort of physical damage, he never traveled with bodyguards, he just used a local guard of honor, so he did not need to worry about personal danger. He told his wives what he was going to do and swore them to secrecy. He only told his children to keep quiet because he was going on a secret mission.One morning, with no fanfare, he shaved off his beard and mustache and drove off in a nondescript car, headed for a small town 231 miles away that he suspected of harboring a crooked administrator.Two Pigs Fucking hated his name. He could never. “I’m just fucking around with these anyway,” I laughed, referencing the IOU’s. Somehow, this infuriated Kerri’s husband. “I don’t need your fucking pity,” he said. “You’ll get your money.”“I’m not taking your kid's college fund,” I joked. “Just take away from this evening that you are completely shitty at cards, and I’ll be happy. That will be my act of service for the month.”“Fuck you!” he shouted. “Relax, man,” I said. “I don’t need your money. You made a mistake, maybe you have a bit of a gambling problem, I don’t know. But you’re lucky because I’m cool. Typically Tiny enforces the game around here, but this stays between us, okay? I don’t want you to worry.” I tore up the IOUs and stuffed them in his empty glass. “You arrogant little prick,” he said. “Dude, go home,” I said. “You’re drunk. And you have nothing I want.” I looked at Kerri. “Except for her.” “What?” Kerri said. “Sorry, I know you’re not really his. I just mean that you both are married, and I’d like to fuck you.” I.
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